The Quarter Just Gone

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Well.

Last quarter just gone (Happy new year to y’all). To give you some sort of insight into how it went, I shall use the following play which I have a feeling will struggle to make any sense whatsoever.

The part of Señor Woody shall be played by Gatesy from Tripod, being played today by me. The part of Mr. IMO2 shall be played by Noiseworks Jon Stevens, being played today by me. All incidental characters are being played by Wayne Brady, of “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” fame, being played today by me. Anyway…

Begin

Scene 1

Señor Woody is rather stressed out, he has been working solidly for two weeks to ensure that the evil government get the right numbers to give the money to continue our services. Mr. IMO2 has spent the last two reading the news and generally not doing any work.

Today is the day that the reports are due to come in. Señor Woody has only had 2 hours sleep the night before due to a burgeoning malaise We join our players at the beginning of the day…

Mr. IMO2: mumble mumble…mumble…fuel database…mumble…are the reports…mumble…ready to be run? mumble

Señor Woody: Um, no. There is still some stats to come in.

Señor Woody (to himself): Which you would know if you actually did work.

Mr. IMO2: mumble…mumble…would you like me to run them? mumble

Señor Woody: Nah, it should be right. I’ll wait till they are all ready then run them and send them off.

Mr. IMO2: mumble…ok…mumble…I will run them next quarter…mumble

End Scene

Scene 2

Two hours after the first scene, Señor Woody’s health has taken a turn for the worse. It appears as though he will have to go home. Our hero goes to the overlord of IT, Mr. Hawk, to discuss the situation.

Señor Woody: Hey buddy, I’m feeling pretty shocking, so I’m going to go home and try and get better.

Mr. Hawk: Thats ok. Do you think Mr. IMO2 will be able to cope?

Señor Woody: Seriously, a trained monkey could do what I have left.

Mr. Hawk: Ok then, you get better then.

End Scene

Scene 3

Our hero, Señor Woody, has returned to work after 2 days off sick, still half out of it, but knowing that he needs to be there to make sure it has all gone correctly. Mr. IMO2 has gone to Melbourne for a meeting. The phone rings…

Señor Woody: Hello, this is Señor Woody.

Phone Caller: Hi, I got Mr. IMO2 to fix something up for me yesterday, and now my appointments have disappeared.

Señor Woody: …O_o. Fuck. I’ll fix that up for you…

30 minutes later in Mr. Hawk’s office.

Señor Woody: Hey boss. Mr. IMO2 fucked up.

Mr. Hawk: I was afraid that was going to happen. Can you fix it?

Señor Woody: I have fixed it, but this is ridiculous.

Mr. Hawk: OK, how about you write an email that you want me to send him, and I will copy and paste it and send the email from me.

Señor Woody: Lazy bastard.

Fin

So anyways, the upshot is, my boss is too lazy/scared to yell at him, so I get to continue to fix up his fuck ups, and stress out and cause myself yet more illness. And a note for you all, Gastro is not fun at all. 2 nights of no sleep and no food for 2 days really fucks you up.

So keep on keeping on people. And if those Indians win I’m going to go through monkeys at their team hotel for a few hours.

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Well it’s official, there sure should be some sort of competency test before people get employed at my work.

Background:We have started with a new plan for all consumers who call up to go through a central line, and then they would be referred on to the correct service provider.

Now the part where this all starts to fall apart is that the people who answer the calls have to register the clients into at least 1, and at times 3 or 4, different consumer databases. No biggy I thought. Well it is. When I attended the first training sessions for these people, I was amazed that some of them could dress themselves. A simple instruction, such as “Tick this box to register client A for service Z”, complete with a picture of where it was, projected onto a wall, required people to be stepped through it. How freaking hard is it? Look for box. Click box.

Once we finally finished all of the training sessions, thats when the real fun started.  These people were released into the wild…

Within the first week of this project going live, I was ass deep in incorrectly registered clients, was fielding an average of one call every 15 minutes about something not working (and by not working they meant they didn’t know what they were doing), and generally not being able to do my job because they couldn’t grasp the basic functions of the keyboard.

I have almost gone up to some of the worst perpetrators of sheer ignorance/laziness and slapped them upside the head. Why should I spend an hour trawling through 400k rows of a table to fix up the one you fucked up, sheerly because you couldn’t be bothered paying attention when I told you what to do, two weeks prior? Remember when I said “Now, make sure to search for a client before adding them in, as they may already be registered, and we don’t want duplicates”? Well, that wasn’t a fucking joke, that was fucking serious. It’s not a cakewalk to remove a duplicate, because, as mandated by “The Man”, we can’t delete shit out of any of the databases, because of the legal issues/ramifications.

Ok, rant done….for now….

Quarterly reporting continues. For once I’m not doing the whole fucking thing myself, as has been the case for the last year. The boss saved me from the repetition of running reports for a week, then ctrl+c alt+tab ctrl+v for an afternoon by letting me go off to Melbourne for a week. So I just get to supervise, and do the high level stuff, while the grunt work gets done by IMO2.

Well I shall leave you with a thought: If you are the only one on the map, and you lava jump, are you still a llama?

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